‘Tis the Season for Arguing: 6 Tips For Maintaining Boundaries
Post Author: Krystal Galvan, M.A.
The holidays can be difficult for many people. Issues of respect, power, criticism, etc. can often create complex family dynamics. We all have that one grandmother who feels the need to comment on someone’s weight, the aunt who won’t stop asking who we’re dating, or the uncle who loves to rant about politics. The holidays can be a very stressful experience.
Boundaries allow us to keep ourselves feeling safe and empowered during these difficult interactions. Boundaries are a way of caring for ourselves, protecting our inner identities, and maintaining our right to make choices about how we choose to show up in relationships. Establishing clear boundaries this holiday season is essential for your self-care. Here are six tips that will help you set boundaries:
1. Plan Ahead & Establish Clear Boundaries: It helps to have an understanding of where your boundaries lay. For example, clearly state that discussing a certain topic such as politics is not a conversation you want to be a part of. Ask for what you want or need. Plan ahead for what might happen if your boundaries aren’t respected. That may include practicing what you might say when your boundary is violated, or taking your own transportation so you can leave early if needed.
“I want to attend Thanksgiving dinner, but let’s agree not to discuss politics this year.”
2. Use “I” or “me” Statements: Communicating in a respectful and assertive way will allow the other person to receive your message more clearly. Avoid using passive-aggressive behavior and raising or voice, that may only perpetuate an unhealthy dynamic.
“I love you and I want to enjoy my time with you this Thanksgiving. I feel frustrated that we have such different political views, and sometimes our arguments end up feeling hurtful to me. Let’s change the subject…”
3. Saying “No” is Sufficient: You are allowed to say “no” without guilt. You don’t owe anyone anything.
“No, I’ve already said I won’t be talking about Trump with you.”
4. Take Time Outs: Taking a moment to step away is acceptable. If your energy feels depleted and you feel overwhelmed you can go for a walk around the block, take a moment to freshen up in the restroom, or excuse yourself to the kids’ table. If possible, spend time with supportive people at the gathering while avoiding those with negative energy. If things still aren’t getting better, again, you have every right to leave.
“I let you know I didn’t want to talk about Trump but here we are…maybe it’s best I go sit at the kids’ table for a bit.”
5. Don’t Take Their Reaction Personally: You are not responsible for someone else’s happiness and you cannot control their response. A person who is unsatisfied with your boundaries is typically the person who benefitted from you not establishing them to begin with.
“I’m trying to keep things peaceful, but you don’t seem to share my desire to avoid discussing politics. I’m not going to talk to you until you can respect my boundaries.”
6. You Don’t Have to Attend: It may have taken you many years and many attempts, but maybe you now know that your boundaries will be consistently ignored and disrespected by members of your family. If this is the case for you, it’s OK to remove yourself from the holiday gathering altogether. Take care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Maybe a holiday gathering with friends or an enjoyable solo activity will be more nourishing to your soul than another gathering with your family. You’re the only person who’s responsible for your own happiness in life, so do whatever works for you!
I encourage you to try these 6 techniques this holiday season. If you’re having trouble setting an maintaining boundaries with your family, you may want to consider speaking with a licensed therapist.